Dealing with Heartache

This is exactly the kind of thing that I want to reference later.  From Eric Barker, How to Deal with Anxiety, Tragedy, or Heartache, 4 steps from research:

1) Ask “How Long Has It Been?”

If you’re upset in the days immediately after a breakup or the death of a loved one, that’s natural.

But when you’re still feeling distressed months later, that’s when you need help and writing can really make a difference.

 

2) Commit To 20 Minutes For Four Days

Commit to writing about what’s bothering you for 20 minutes on four consecutive days.

This is what the bulk of the research shows provides the best benefits. You can do more if you want; this is a minimum.

Via Expressive Writing: Words That Heal:

What if you want to keep writing after twenty minutes? Then keep writing. The twenty-minute rule is an arbitrary minimum. That is, plan to write for at least twenty minutes each day with the understanding that you can write more, but you shouldn’t write less… What if you find that you enjoy writing and want to continue past four days? Do it. Many people find that once they begin writing, they realize they have many issues to think about. Write for as many days as you need — just think of the four days as a minimum.

When’s the best time to do it? End of the workday seems to be a good time for many people.

Via Expressive Writing: Words That Heal:

Across multiple studies, we have had the most success with people writing at the end of their workday. If you have children and need to feed them, then after they have gone to bed might be a good time. The operative rule, however, is for you to have some free time after writing to let your mind reflect on what you have written.

(To learn more about what the words you use say about you, click here.)

Got it on your calendar? Good. Here’s what to do.

 

3) Write Write Write

Just write about what’s bothering you for 20 minutes straight.

Don’t worry about grammar or spelling. Don’t worry about what anyone might think. You can delete it or throw it out when you’re done writing.

Just write about what’s troubling you and don’t hold back.

Here’s Jamie:

Find a place you won’t get disturbed, and I want you to sit down and just begin writing about the thing that’s bothering you. Don’t worry about grammar or sentence structure or spelling. Just write. This is for you and for you alone. Plan to tear up what you’ve done when you finish. It’s not a letter to somebody. It’s not something for you to show someone to convince them that you are right. This is for you alone.

Longhand or typing doesn’t matter. Research even shows talking into a voice recorder works too.

Here’s Jamie:

You can write about the same event on each of the four days or you can write about different events. All that is entirely up to you. Just explore your very deepest thoughts and fears. That’s the basic idea.

(To learn about all the other issues writing can help you with, click here.)

In general, just doing the writing for 20 minutes for four days is enough to provide people with noticeable relief. But let’s go for bonus points.

There are a number of things Jamie has seen that correlate with better results.

 

4) Stuff That Can Help The Process

When writing, it’s helpful to tie the issue into other areas of your life. How does the problem relate to your work? Your family? Your relationships?

Here’s Jamie:

Let’s say you’re having problems because of a failed love. You may find once you begin writing that it’s related to other topics. You might tie this event to other areas in your life. Your childhood, your relationship with your parents, your relationship with other people… You might tie it to work, you might even link it to who you want to be in the future, who you’ve been in the past and who you are now.

People tend to benefit most from expressive writing if they openly acknowledge emotions.

Via Expressive Writing: Words That Heal:

Emotional experience is part of a trauma. The ability to feel and label both the negative and the positive feelings that occurred during and following the trauma is important.

Constructing a story is powerful.

Via Expressive Writing: Words That Heal:

Creating a narrative, including a coherent beginning, middle, and end, is a well-documented part of trauma treatment and holds much promise for benefits from writing about trauma.

Switch perspectives. Those who benefit the most can see the event through other people’s eyes.

Via Expressive Writing: Words That Heal:

People who have experienced a trauma initially see it from one perspective — their own. Indeed, when individuals first write about a massive upheaval, they first describe what they saw, felt, and experienced. Recent studies indicate that people who benefit the most from writing have been able to see events through others’ eyes.

You’re not writing an accident report for an insurance company. Don’t be distant. Make your writing personal.

Via Expressive Writing: Words That Heal:

A guiding principle of expressive writing is that you express yourself openly and honestly. People who write in a cold, detached manner and who quote Shakespeare, Aristotle, or Henry Ford may be fine historians and may even write a great editorial in the local newspaper. But impressive writing is not the point of expressive writing. People who benefit the most from writing are able to find a voice that reflects who they are.

(To learn more about how to improve your writing skills in general, click here.)

Let’s round up the info and see what Jamie recommends about how to best fit this into our lives.

 

Sum Up

Here’s how to use writing to overcome the things that upset you:

  1. Has enough time passed? Are you suffering longer than you should? Then writing can help.
  2. Commit to four days of 20 minutes a day. Most people write at the end of their workday.
  3. Write nonstop for 20 minutes about what’s bothering you. Don’t worry about errors or what anyone might think. This is for you.
  4. Tying in other areas of your life, acknowledging emotions, telling a story, switching perspectives and making it personal are all associated with better recovery.

You don’t need to wait until you’re getting divorced or somebody dies to use this. You can write whenever you think it might help. It’s literary ibuprofen.

Via Expressive Writing: Words That Heal:

Think of expressive writing as a tool that will always be at your disposal, or like having medicine in your medicine cabinet. No need to take the medicine when you are healthy, but when you are under the weather, you can always turn to it.

 

 

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